FOOD. Everybody eats food. Everybody has their own opinions about food. A review is an opinion of sorts. Ralph is going to review three foods in this article. Ralph has opinions about these foods. Ralph eats food. Food. (Jeez, even the word starts to look goofy after you say it enough...food...look at that word acting all amazed that I'm talking about it, with its googly eyes and its F and its D...)

Let's get started. This is a bag of the best pretzels you can buy. Mike Sell's Baked Dutch Pretzels. I have never really liked pretzels very much. They have always just seemed to gom up in my mouth and make a bready ball of muck Either they didn't have enough salt or they had too much salt. Sometimes the salt is just not a good salt...too crunchy or chemical tasting. The ouside crust of pretzels are sometimes too thick, glossy or burnt-tasting. A lot can go wrong with a pretzel very quickly.

Let's take a minute to talk about beer. Beer is good...very good. I like beer. Beer is very good. Beer is very, very good. Beer is good with snack foods. Pretzels are a snack food. Pretzels are, possibly, the best snack food to eat while drinking beer. Chips are greasy. Peanuts are hard on your digestive system. Chicken wings have their own set of issues. Pizza is nearly a meal, containing all the food groups like it does. A meal is not a snack. I'm not saying that these foods are NOT good with beer. They are all great with beer. What makes pretzels the best snack food to eat with beer? First, the salt is great with beer. Second, the crunch is very nice. Third, pretzels are basically just bread...nothing to upset the drinking routine, like grease or artificial chemical build-up. Finally, pretzels have a diverse texture and a goofy-fun look...kind of like some sort of toy.

I have never really liked pretzels very much but when I started drinking lots of beer I found that they were quite satisfying when quaffing the golden delight. I tried about 20 different brands and styles of pretzels. At one time I was planning an entire pretzel review section on this website. Then I found Mike Sell's Baked Dutch Pretzels. I still look for other pretzels that might be good but I haven't found anything to match these pretzels. Let me try to explain why these are GREAT pretzels. The salt is perfect. Not only is the salt just the right amount but it is also not grainy. The salt seems to be baked into the pretzel crust and this process seems to change the salt somehow. It never has an over-bearing chemical taste like some of the cheaper kinds of pretzels have. The crust of these pretzels is not too thick, not too glossy, and never burnt tasting. Inside, these pretzels are light and crispy. The pretzels are a good size, not too big and not too small. It is fun to try and bite just certain chunks off and not tear up the rest of the pretzel. They feel good in your hand. Since the salt is baked in, it doesn't flake off like some pretzels' salt. You can only buy these pretzels at certain grocers. They are not just everywhere. See if you can find some and maybe try them, with a whole gut-load of beer, of course. Let's move on.

These are Pringles. I hope you knew that. You'd need to have lived in a cave for the past forty years to not know that these are Pringles. Pringles are always good, if a bit too overprocessed. I mean, come on! Pringles are ground up and molded potatoes. I bet that they have all the nasty parts of the potato in them just like sausage, bologna and hot dogs. I don't really think that but all possibilities exist in the mind of the paranoid. Henry Ford helped invent the charcoal briquet to make use of the leftover wood scraps he developed in his factory. I originally had impressions on these flavors to share but it has been many moons over the.htmhalt plains since I ate these flavors. Let's talk about the packaging instead. Look at the wonderful art on the cans, beckoning you to pick them up. Desiring your gaze upon the old-but-new product. Look at these, honey! They are Pringles, but they are different. I've never seen these before. I should buy them. Hey, there are three different flavors here. Let's get one of each. No! Not just one of each. They are only 97 cents a can. Let's get two of each kind. Yeah! New Pringles, you are going to change my life. That's what the dialogue sounds like when you see these cans on the store shelves. I mean look at the dignified looks-like-a-postage-stamp name badge. Look at the majestic landscape on each can. Marvel at the passport-styled transparent ink-stamp overlay. I don't know, but when I see stuff like this, I buy it. I mean, who doesn't like Pringles? Excuse me while I go on a Flavor Escape. These Pringles make me feel like I'm on vacation in exotic locales and I'm glad I got these Pringles because this is probably as close as I'll ever be to visiting Tuscany, Thailand or Italy.

Anyway... Pringles let's out these special limited edition flavors. The flavors are good! You like-a the flavors? I like-a the flavors! The flavors are good. You want some more flavors? Here are three flavors a little closer to home. I mean, I'm not sure but I don't think you even need a passport to travel to Mexico. Plus, all I need to do is visit my local 'authentic' Mexican restaurant to be surrounded by the sights, smells and citizens of Mexico. The packaging is not as worldly as the Flavor Escapes, but the in-store dialogue is the same. Look...New...Must Buy! Plus, the cans make me want to fiesta with beer and titties and tequila. After that, a siesta and then it's right back to mowing the lawn and fixing the roof. Geez, look what Pringles has me doing now. Working...bah!. I like the vacation Pringles much better.

Granted, this picture has been slightly tweaked with photoshop but...Man, Oh, Man! Look at all that luscious chemical flavorant all drenched onto that innocent Pringle. Yeah, Pringle! Take it! Take it all! Uh-huh! Now get me a beer, Pringle! Come on, you know I love you baby. CRUNCH!!!

Here's the coup d'etat of merchandising. When you take off the lid-seal, you are reminded of just how precious this processed potato product is. How fragile are each and every product that sits on the grocer's shelves. Just try and buy a box of Quisp. Sure, you can get Quisp on the internet, but can you buy a box of Quake? (There are John K. cartoons on that site.) Whatever. They were a buck a can and now they are gone. I must move on. Oh, readers across the states, please check your grocers shelves for boxes of Nabisco Swiss Cheese Crackers . Hometown Favorites says they are no longer made, so I don't expect anyone to find them, but six months ago I could buy them from Hometown Favorites, so maybe you still have some in your locality. If you do, then send me a box or two. I'll reimburse you cost and shipping.

That picture above is a McDonald's Sausage McMuffin with Egg. There are so many good things to say about the Sausage McMuffin with egg...where should I start. Well, first, let's say that it is my favorite McDonald's breakfast offering. Previously, I used to love the more popular Bacon, Egg and Cheese Biscuit. (Those are still really good too, Yum!). Then one day, for variety, I decided to try the Sausage McMuffin with egg. That was the day that my McDonald's breakfast habits changed forever. After the next picture I have written a poetic sort of list of reasons why I LOVE the Sausage McMuffin with Egg!

The tough, chewiness of the McMuffin.
That little crunch of toastiness.
The slight powder on the surface of the McMuffin.
What is that powder...it is probably nicotine related
It ends up on your lips and face...so nice...I'd like some more, please.
The egg, always a great source of protein but not always able to be eaten by hand.
The sausage has a pepper-ish flavor...spicy...peppery...yum!!!
There is cheese. You just can't go wrong by putting cheese on a sandwich!
What a sandwich this is!
I have not even begun to write my 'Sandwich Article'
Sandwiches are my favorite thing to eat!!!
Sandwiches are great because they can be eaten with a single hand, leaving you free to drink your Coca-Cola or drive or smoke or talk on the phone or all of these things at the same time that you eat your Sausage McMuffin with egg.

Well, hmmm, what else is there to say about the best McDonald's breakfast item.
It does have a multitude of nutritional things.
Let's see:
Cheese - Dairy group
Egg - meats and proteins group
McMuffin - breads and cereals group
Sausage - daily allowance of grease and pig parts group.
...and yes, I know that the four food groups are now a freakin' food pyramid...zow!
At least the metric system never entirely took hold.
There you go, a full days supply of evil goodness and it is chock full of McDonald's patented and entirely secret, wholly addictive, bring-you-back-for-more chemicals, so they know you will be back...for more...since you are now addicted to their food in all of its forms.

And, I hope that is how you feel about RalphJStone.com. Can't get enough Ralph, eh? You like-a the Ralph? The Ralph is good! You want more Ralph? The Ralph is very good! See you all next time.

Thanx again, Ralph!